I reviewed my relationship with food last month. I am always health conscious when I eat, but have come to find that my need to be so healthy is actually causing issues in my body. I have now eliminated the dermatitis on my face and scalp by working on my issues related to my need to be so healthy. It was really because I came from fear rather than love. Fear of contamination. Very subtle indeed.
It was exacerbated, I think, when I found out that my friend was dying from pancreatic cancer earlier this year, it put me in another tail ride to be healthy. , actually the day she died was the day I started a 5 day juice detox. . Since that day, I have regained the weight that I had lost, and more.
I was exercising with a physiotherapist and had to stop, my adrenals were creaming, I just couldn’t lose weight. I did more research and thought it had to do with my cortisol levels.
Then I started to have indigestion every day. And I felt bloated. I couldn’t understand why because I was eating so healthy.
I decided to start reading Geneen Roth’s books again and bought Women Food and God because it was the book I could get the fastest. I’ve read all of Geneen’s books before, but this time I really got it.
I had never had a weight problem; I took pride in the fact that I could eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. But then I gained a lot of weight after having an abortion. I thought it was hormonal; perimenopause. I looked at so many angles that I couldn’t find anything that changed the problem.
Restrictors and permits
Geneen talks about how there are restrictors and permits in food. I am a restrictor. I can limit my food intake and control it very well. I have the will of iron. I can control the cravings. I’m not talking about anorexia, but more than I can stick to diet. Restrictors believe that if they can control, they feel safe. My parents are restrictors, as is my first husband. Then my second husband arrived and he’s licensed. They are the ones who eat what they want when they want. They want to party with food. Eat anything they weren’t allowed to eat when they were kids. They believe they can’t control, so they might as well merge with chaos.
So he hated my restrictions on food. He didn’t want to come home to eat a salad, he wanted a big, hearty meat meal. We always had to have lollipops and fries, popcorn and coke. After my childhood and my first husband, it was like someone gave me full permission to have fun while eating, even though I felt guilty, it was easier to buy crappy food and not not fight over how to eat healthier. On some level, my inner child loved it because I had to eat all the foods that I was not allowed to eat on pressure when I was a child.
Food as love
Geneen always spoke of food as love. I never really understood that well, I knew I was an emotional eater, to calm anxiety in general, but it wasn’t until I read these two lines in his book that I read it. really understood. –
“I’m starting to understand that the whole struggle with food isn’t about discipline, self-control, or negotiating with myself; it’s not even a question of food. It’s a story – a powerful story – of loving, wanting, and having.
“When I thought to myself that this time, I could eat whatever I wanted without any conditions – I went straight to the foods of my childhood, I was never allowed to eat. It was like letting me eat what I couldn’t eat. a kid i thought i could get what i never had … i needed to prove to myself that what i wanted most wasn’t forbidden but what i didn’t understand was what i didn’t want being allowed to have them made me feel: welcomed, deserving, adored. “
So if I spent some time observing the feelings I have about food. I realized that when I eat a salad or something healthy I limit myself, even though I consciously know that I am eating well, subconsciously I say, you see, I ate all my veg, I’m a good girl, which always meant in my childhood that I was then entitled to a treat. So when that treat doesn’t come now, I feel empty, like something’s missing. So the emptiness I equate to hunger, so I eat more.
Because my emotions around food are all tied to deprivation, my body biologically goes into fat storage because it thinks it’s starvation. More this year than ever because of my friend’s death and the desire to take control of my health.
I thought about how my feelings for good food were no different from how I felt for other things. I realized that I love to buy good food and what I really tell myself is that I deserve something of value, I want to be valued. I want to be important, I want to be important. All the inner feelings of the child.
I don’t want chocolate so much anymore, (I had worked on it before) but I seem to have a soft spot for scones right now, date scones. Even though I had stopped having wheat, it was crawling. So I got into the energy of it and realized that this was a way to have a treat and keep acting like I didn’t really have an impact, sort of the treat. invisible. As if I was wrong in thinking that this was not really a piece of cake. Like the poor man’s replacement, so it didn’t really matter to be special.
To feel loved
I allowed myself to really feel what it was about the cakes and carbs that I paired with Love and Wanting and realized that these foods always made me feel special as a kid because they were. festive dishes. So eating these foods made me feel special, like I really mattered and seen, appreciated and loved.
So the idea is to take the projections out of all the feelings you have about foods that have an energetic load on you, to feel them there, and to explore where they really come from. These are inner child feelings, your inner child is still running the show.
Thinking that eating cake is the only way to make yourself feel special or loved, you aren’t going to give up on diet or restriction. The idea is to connect with Love and allow yourself to have it, without having to eat the cake. Love that part of you that equates food with love.
Eat whatever you want
Geneen talks about eating whatever you want. I didn’t think I could do this (because I’m a restrictor) because I felt like I would be “rioting myself”, but by consciously eating, and not from a place of rebellion, you just saw that all food is Love and Love is not limited to food Or whatever you project your deprivation problems onto, whether it is things, money or people, etc.
So you can still eat in a place where you love yourself and where you love food, but not in a place of deprivation or rebellion.
Do you have dietary restrictions that throw you into the yo-yo-ing of deprivation? Or are you licensed? The party is at home.